


helpless when i'm oceans away

by eversall



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demon Summoning, Love Confessions, M/M, blatant disregard for how demons are supposed to work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 15:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10364028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversall/pseuds/eversall
Summary: But all he can see is the demon -Jace, it’s Jace - looking at him, a cruel tilt to his mouth as he considers Simon.“Tell me.” Jace whispers. “Tell me, how much you desire me, how desperately you crave my attention. How I will never look at you, when all you can look at is me.”.





	

**Author's Note:**

> anon on tumblr prompted
>
>> I love the way you write Jimon! I was wondering if maybe you could write Simon telling Jace he likes him as more than a friend? Please and thank you! 
> 
> did this anon ask for 3k+ words of angst before simon tells jace he likes him?? no, but like the horrible person i am i did anyway. i just REALLY wanted to write some sad things okay bc finals makes me bitter as _hell_. but as always, happy endings, because I can't leave anyone sad forever.
> 
> title taken from oceans away by arizona. and you know the routine, if you wanna prompt me on my [ tumblr ](http://eversall.tumblr.com/), i'm all ears. i feel like i should warn that if you don't want me to take the prompt and go crazy with it, probably specifying fluff or angst or what have you will prevent this kind of shit lmao.

“This demon will be different.” Magnus says, pacing back and forth as Clary finishes drawing the pentagram. “It feeds off of strong emotions, yes, but things like lust, and passion.”

“Hot.” Jace deadpans. Simon chokes out a laugh, and Jace looks over at him from where he’s leaning against the wall. They make eye contact, and the corner of Jace’s mouth lifts into a half-smile as Simon covers his laugh with a cough. 

“Because heaven forbid a powerful demon be enough to make you take it seriously.” Alec says dryly. 

“Chill bro, this isn’t my first demon summoning.” Jace reassures. 

“Uh, it is  _mine_.” Simon says, raising a hand. “So, I mean, since I have no experience with summonings, maybe someone should fill me in?” 

“You hang out with us this much and you  _still_  don’t know?” Jace asks, a tiny frown appearing on his face. His nose scrunches, and Simon  _refuses_  to find it cute, he  _doesn’t._

_“_ It’s not that much different from what you’ve already encountered, Simon.” Izzy reassures him. “You have to keep the pentagram connected, and the summoning might require a memory or two. Provided it all goes right, it should be a painless process.” 

“You don’t need to worry, Simon.” Clary adds, brushing her hands and getting off the floor. She limps to the sofa and collapses onto it, pressing her hand against her stomach. “I’m sorry to even ask this of you.” 

“Hey, don’t worry about that.” Simon says, his brow creased with worry as he takes in her pained expression. He’s taking her spot in the summoning because of a nasty fall she took the other day. “Are you  _sure_ you’re okay?” Izzy moves to Clary’s side and smooths a hand over her hair. 

“I’ll be fine.” Clary says, smiling. “Honestly, rest is the only thing that can heal this now. Now  _go_ , summon the demon.” She claps her hands together. “I can’t wait to watch.”

“Ridiculous.” Alec mutters. 

“Oh, I don’t know. This demon should be fun.” Magnus smirks. “It’s not terribly powerful, but it is nicknamed the ‘love devil’. It’s known to take the shape of a person’s most desired, or beloved, or - well, you get the idea. Lust, and passion, and love.” He wiggles his fingers, magic cresting over his knuckles, and Alec actually  _laughs_ at that, delighted. 

“Wait wait wait.” Simon says, holding a hand up. “It’ll take the shape - ?”

“Worried about us discovering your secret love for Alec?” Jace asks, but he looks nervous suddenly, his expression tight and closed off. Simon cuts him a flat look. 

“You caught me, I’m secretly in love with the guy who can’t stand me.” He says, making jazz hands. He sounds a little  _too_ bitter, because that’s  _exactly_ what it is, just not with Alec. The implication flies over Jace’s head, but Alec narrows his eyes and tilts his head thoughtfully. Magnus’s eyes are filled with sympathy, because Simon’s aready  _told_ him, and Clary coughs from the couch. She knows too, and she’s been gently egging him on about it too, which is staggeringly unhelpful. 

“It’ll be alright, Simon.” She says gently. Simon’s mind has an almost Pavlovian reaction to her reassuring tone, the one that’s brought Simon down from many a panic attack, and he relaxes minutely. 

“Wait.” Jace frowns, looking between Clary and Simon. “There’s actually someone you - ?” 

“We need to do the ritual now or the window of optimal nighttime will close.” Magnus says quickly, clapping his hands together. Alec raises a skeptical eyebrow at Magnus - even  _Simon_  knows there’s no such thing as ‘optimal nighttime’ - and then his eyes flick quickly between Simon and Magnus, and then to Jace. Something like understanding dawns on his face, and Simon holds his breath. 

“Magnus is right, let’s do this quickly.” Alec says briskly, nodding minutely at Simon as Jace is still looking at Clary, and Simon breathes a sigh of relief. Alec is his  _hero_. 

They move to their places on the pentagram, Izzy pressing a quick kiss to Clary’s cheek before going. Simon shuffles his feet nervously and chances a glance at Jace, who is standing next to him, and Jace’s face softens.

“It’s perfectly safe.” He says softly to Simon, and Simon shrugs. Jace reaches out and clasps Simon’s shoulder, his hand warm through Simon’s shirt. Simon smiles faintly at Jace, who looks pleased as he withdraws his hand and rakes a hand through his hair, fluffing it back into place. 

“Gotta look good for this lust demon.” He says to Izzy, winking exaggeratedly, and she shakes her head, her expression caught between disbelief and amusement. 

“I  _always_ look good.” She says, and Clary wolf-whistles at that. “Don’t let your ego get in the way of getting the information we need, though.” Jace salutes her, then falls silent as Magnus snaps his fingers and opens his spell book, grey smoke beginning to swirl in the center of the pentagram. 

The Latin words fly right over Simon’s head, but he can feel the buildup of power, a strange thrumming that has all of them staring intently at the smoke. For all of his fear, Simon’s now been in enough supernatural fights to understand how to scan for danger and react to it; he  _feels_ more than he sees the instant the summoning works and a tiny, dark sliver appears in the center. Magnus banishes the spell book with a wave and stretches his hands out. 

“Quickly!” He says, and Alec grasps his hand, shuddering as the power flows through him. He reaches out to Izzy, who stands firmly in her heels as magic races through her. Jace takes  _her_ outstretched hand, his face set in grim determination, and then he offers his hand to Simon. Simon takes it, a second of blinding pain flashing through him as the power continues to flow. He grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, fighting down the urge to let go and get rid of the pain. 

“What - “ Jace’s voice shouts over the sound of the rapidly widening portal. Simon forces his eyes open as Magnus shouts back “It affects those of us with Downworlder blood in more painful ways, give him a moment!” He blinks back bloody tears and plants his feet more solidly on the ground, extending his hand to Magnus, who quickly grasps it. 

The pain ebbs as the circle is completed and Magnus channels the energy, pouring it into the center of the pentagram. The gaping hole grows wider, and a clawed hand begins to emerge. Simon swallows, because demons are wickedly frightening looking creatures. 

“ _What do we have here_?” The demon hisses, it’s voice sounding viciously pleased. “ _Who calls on me? Brave enough to face down that which humans have burned cities down for_?”

Magnus says something back in Latin, and the demon laughs, twisting all the way out of the portal, a shapeless, hulking black form that begins to flicker between bodies. One second it’s Alec, then it’s Izzy, then it’s Magnus - it cycles through all of them, twisting in a circle and regarding each of them. 

“ _Information_!” It crows with Clary’s mouth, then switching to Simon. “ _And what shall I ask in exchange for this information? A kiss?”_ It asks, becoming Magnus and looming over Alec. It’s strange, and off, and  _horrifying_. Alec flinches, even as his mouth presses into a thin line. 

“You may not touch any of us.” Magnus says in English, his voice clear and strong. “You will follow my rules.” 

“ _No fun_.” The demon whispers, spinning and settling to a stop in front of Izzy, flickering through a variety of shapes - Meliorn, a few other fairies,  _Raphael_ , strangely enough - before settling into Clary. “ _Ah, what’s this? Shall I ask for a declaration of the truth? Something uncomfortable enough to break my circle and let me free_?” It cackles, an unnerving, guttural sound coming from Clary’s lips. 

“If it is a confession you seek - “ Izzy begins, because Magnus counseled them before they did the summoning and let them know that words were fine as an exchange; just nothing physical. Simon thinks its a pretty sweet deal, if all Izzy has to do is admit she loves her girlfriend, something she does every day  _anyway_. She’d probably shout it from the rooftops if she could. 

“ _Oh, no, too easy.”_ It spins again, briefly turning back into it’s black, scaly form. “ _A vampire with angelic blood in his veins...this, I must see_.” It shifts, skin stretching and turning back into Clary. Simon tries to avert his eyes because the dress the demon’s in is  _way_ too deep-cut and that is  _way_ more of his best friend’s cleavage than he wanted to see. Once upon a time, maybe, but not any more. From beside him, he can hear Jace’s shocked “Seriously?” and Izzy’s faint sigh. He begins to suspect that maybe  _Izzy_  knows his secret too, because she doesn’t sound upset about her girlfriend appearing in front of Simon, which means she must have connected who the person Simon wants actually is,  _great_. 

“ _Oh, this is an old form. There is someone you desire more_.” Demonic Clary says. Simon swallows, fear building up in his throne, but surprisingly the demon keeps it’s Clary form and smiles at him, teeth gleaming and eyes dark. “ _This is my deal. The vampire will lay his heart out for all to see, and I will give the information.”_

“Are you sure you don’t want  _my_ confession, demon?” Izzy calls out, her voice sultry, and Simon is  _so_  thankful for her. But demon-Clary whirls on her, body glowing red and voice echoing as it shouts “ _DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A FOOL, ANGEL SPAWN. I HUNGER FOR PAIN IN LOVE, AND YOU DO NOT OFFER ME THIS_.” Izzy flinches visibly, and Simon is gripped with the need to take the demon’s anger off of Izzy.

“Pain?” Simon croaks out, and the demon turns back to him, it’s voice lowering, crooning softly as it approaches him. 

“ _You know the pain that I speak of.”_ It leans in, and Simon tries to lean back. Magnus and Jace grip his hands tighter in response, a subtle warning to not break the circle. “ _I will show you_.” 

The demon waves it’s hand, and images suddenly begin to spill out, flickering like home-movie reruns. Clary and Jace appearing at the entrance to the Institute, Jace with his shirt still rucked up as his glamour rune glows; the two of them kissing in the Institute in the main hall, an image Simon wasn’t even there to see but is now burned across his mind; Jace and Clary kissing passionately in what looks like the backroom of the Jade Wolf; Jace and Clary kissing on the streets of New York; Jace and Clary sharing a long look at Alec’s wedding; Jace and Clary - 

“Is that what this is about?” Jace shouts over the demons laughter. Simon can’t look at him, can’t look away from Jace falling in love with Clary over and over, looking at his best friend in the way he wishes Jace would look at  _him,_ just  _once. “_ Fuck’s sake, Simon, Clary?” He sounds angry, and Simon shudders, his eyes still glued to the memories the demon is playing. 

“ _Not the girl_.” The demon says slowly, delightedly, and Simon makes a wounded noise as the memories triple in intensity, Technicolor bright and beautiful. Jace laughing darkly, a Seelie girl in his lap; Jace with his hands on some pretty brunette’s hips in Pandemonium, his body pressed along hers; Jace shirtless, his chest heaving as he smiles slowly at the Shadowhunter girl he’s sparring with;  _Jace_ , glaring at Simon, making fun of him, laughing at him, pushing him away when Simon tries to come closer, saying  _you, who would want you, Lewis - did you think I would ever fall for the pathetic nerd act -_

Simon can’t move his eyes, his throat closing as the rejection plays in front of him. It’s never happened; he and Jace are  _friends_ , good friend, but right now he can’t summon the memories of them playing music together, getting coffee together, Jace’s slow smile as he looks at Simon, his eyes bright and warm and kind - all he can see is the demon’s version of Jace. The demon’s form twists and turns, turning into a shirtless Jace, jeans slung low around his hips. Simon forgets about Magnus and Jace holding his hands; somewhere in the background he’s distantly aware of Magnus shouting “The demon’s locked in on you, tell him Simon! I promise it won’t go badly!”

But all he can see is the demon -  _Jace_ , it’s Jace - looking at him, a cruel tilt to his mouth as he considers Simon. 

“ _Tell me_.” Jace whispers. “ _Tell me, how much you desire me, how desperately you crave my attention_.  _How I will never look at you, when all you can look at is me_.” 

“It’s you.” Simon whispers, his voice breaking. He feels his unbeating heart shatter, his chest aching and tears blurring his vision. “You’re more than just a friend.” 

“ _How long, tell me how long_.” Jace says, his eyes delighted and cold. “ _Weak, pathetic Simon Lewis - tell me how much you worship me_.” 

“I  _love_  you.” Simon sobs out. “I - you -  _please_.” 

“ _Repulsive.”_ Jace recoils, his expression disgusted. “ _I could have anyone, you know_.  _Who would choose you? Who?”_

Simon is trapped, swaying forward despite Jace’s cruel words, every cell in his body screaming, aching to be closer to Jace, to follow him. He leans, and leans, feeling something in his hands begin to slip away - 

“LEAVE HIM  _ALONE_!” A voice bellows, angry and furious, and Simon gasps, suddenly pulled out of the demons trap, breathing hard despite not needing it. It feels like resurfacing after drowning; he blinks hard, the room around him swimming back into his vision. He feels exhausted and wrung out, tears streaming down his cheeks and tremors wracking his body. Magnus and Jace have his hands in a vice-like grip, the only thing keeping him on his feet, and he turns to Jace. He’s not sure what to say, how to salvage any part of this, not when everyone - including Jace - just saw him break apart and confess his feelings, but he doesn’t have to say anything. Jace is looking at the demon, his face hard and angry as he stares down the demon. 

“ _And what’s this_?” The demon says, and his body is shifting, turning, rippling, until he becomes -  _Simon_. “ _Your feelings are so much more hidden, half-angel. What can I get from you_?” 

“You tricked Simon.” Jace says, his voice ringing out clear. “You forced him to lie.” The demon laughs. 

“ _A lie_?” It’s disconcerting to see a demonic version of him laugh, his fangs showing. Simon flinches; he hopes he never looks so terrifying. “ _I do not extract lies, child. It is the truth. You are afraid of the truth too, I see - “_ At this, the demon leans forward, leering, and more memories flicker out as it considers Jace. “ _And if I show you your heart_?  _Will you cry as prettily as the vampire did for me_?” 

Jace opens his mouth, a snarl building up, but it abruptly disappears, his face freezing as he watches the memory. It’s Simon and Clary, back when Simon first found he could go into the sunlight. Jace watches, entranced, as Simon jumps down the front steps of the Institute, laughing and spinning Clary around in his arms. In the memory, Jace is standing just inside the door, staring at the two of them with a despondent expression on his face. 

Simon is too tired to feel his heart break a second time as he sees Jace pine for Clary. He swallows hard, about to do  _something_ , anything – 

“The price has been paid!” Magnus says, his eyes glowing and slipping into their true form. His voice multiplies as he continues, building in power. “Stay true to your promise, demon; take any more than you were given and I will shackle you in the most painful way I know how.” He continues, a string of Latin falling from his lips, and the demon shrieks, melting back into terrifying black scales and teeth, writhing as it spews Latin back at Magnus. 

“Thank you.” Magnus says, baring his teeth as he smiles at the demon. “Now back to hell with you.” He jerks his head, and the swirling portal carries the demon away, still screaming. With an abrupt, jarring noise, the entire portal collapses in on itself, wisps of smoke disappearing. Simon feels a wrench as the power cuts off, and he drops to his knees, gasping as the pain recedes from his body. Tears sting the corner of his eyes - he feels mentally and physically bruised, and he wants nothing more than to sleep for a thousand years. 

“Simon.” Jace’s voice calls, wrecked, and Simon shakes his head and wraps his arms around himself, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to bury the pain and aching deep below the surface, like he’s always done. “Please, Simon,  _look_ at me.”

“We’ll give you two a moment.” Alec mutters from somewhere behind Simon, and he hears footsteps receding as the rest of them presumably file out, the door shutting. The ensuing silence is deafening, broken only by Jace’s shallow breathing. 

“Simon.” Jace repeats, his voice cracking, and Simon pushes himself to his feet and whirls around to stare at Jace. 

“ _Don’t_.” He spits out, furious. “Haven’t I been through  _enough_  - if you have even a shred of decency, you’ll leave it alone.” Jace bites his lip, his eyes roving over Simon’s face. 

“Please.” Jace repeats softly. “Is it true?” Simon laughs bitterly, crossing his arms and refusing to answer that. Jace exhales loudly, swallowing audibly as the silence stretches between them, and then he steps forward hesitantly. “Because I - it’s true for me. The demon - “ He falters and looks away, dragging a hand through his hair, before looking back at Simon and continuing. “It became you because I - that is, you - “ Simon’s eyes sting, and he backs away as Jace takes another step forward. 

“Don’t lie to me.” He says quickly, “please,  _Jace_  - “ he doesn’t know what they’re both pleading for anymore , just knows that if he were alive his heart would be pounding away. 

“I’m not lying.” Jace whispers, his voice quiet. He back Simon up against the wall, and Simon holds himself as still as possible as Jace leans forward, his eyes flicking to Simon’s lips. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

“Jace.” Simon repeats helplessly, and Jace slowly brings his hand up and cups Simon’s cheek, his thumb swiping away the dried flakes of blood streaked across Simon’s face. 

“It’s  _you.”_ Jace says, his voice wrecked and hoarse. “I  _love_ you.” He’s so close that Simon can feel the brush of air the words elicit across his lips, and he feels like he’s drowning again. He closes the distance between them. 

Their first kiss is slow, tentative, and soft -  _so_  soft, the pressure barely there. Simon’s hyper-aware of the thrumming of his body, sparks flickering into existence at the point where Jace’s mouth is covering his and skittering across his body, setting his veins alight. Jace’s broad hands are cradling Simon’s face, and Simon’s fingers flutter before he settles them along Jace’s waist, digging his fingertips in hard. Jace moans in response, low and quiet, before pressing impossibly closer, his lips insistent as they drag across Simon’s. Their bodies are aligned now, Jace a solid line of protective warmth along Simon’s front. 

Simon feels like he could stay like this forever, wrapped up in Jace and the soft pressure of his lips, but Jace breaks the kiss with a ragged gasp and sucks in a deep breath, his eyes fluttering open. Simon watches as Jace’s absurdly pretty eyelashes fan out across his cheek, rubbing his thumb in small circles along Jace’s hip as Jace gets air back in his lungs.

They don’t say anything for a while as they lean together, foreheads resting against each other, locked in their moment. Simon hungrily memorizes the lines of Jace’s face, the brilliant blue-brown of his eyes, the  _realness_  of Jace beneath his hands. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Jace rasps out, his hands sliding down to hook around Simon’s neck. Simon smiles weakly. 

“It turned out okay.” He says, and Jace grimaces. 

“You thought I hated you.” He says slowly. “I saw the memories that demon made up.” 

“Well.” Simon tries to say lightly. “I’m used to being on the tragic end of the spectrum when it comes to love.” His voice is thick, and he misses casual nonchalance by several miles. Jace’s grip on him tightens, and he draws Simon even closer. 

“You’re not the tragic end of  _anything_.” He says fiercely. “I’ll show you.” Simon wants to say something flippant, but his heart is vulnerable and open, and he relents. 

“Thank you.” he says, dragging his nose along Jace’s. “I love you, you wonderful, perfect man.” 

“I love you too, Lewis.” Jace says, smiling, and Simon bursts into laughter, feeling a weight of sadness lift off his chest. The door bursts open, and they both look up to see their friends standing in the doorway. 

“It’s been  _ages_.” Clary says impatiently. “Tell me the pining is over. You’re  _laughing_!” Simon tightens his grip on Jace and smiles giddily, unable to stop. 

“Pining is over.” Jace confirms. He sounds tired but happy, and he looks at Simon so  _fondly_. Simon’s beginning to feel over the moon, the lingering terror from the demon slowly fading into the background. 

“We can’t have been this sickeningly sweet.” Alec mutters, and Magnus laughs. 

“Trust me, we were much worse, Alexander.” He says, smiling at Simon. “I think this calls for drinks.”

“We’re all very happy for you, even Alec.” Izzy adds, smirking. 

“So am I.” Jace murmurs, still looking at Simon. “So am I.” 

And despite all the heckling, Simon  _has_  to kiss Jace again for that. 

 


End file.
